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*   [](https://theonion.com/pale-trump-boys-ask-when-they-can-stop-giving-uncle-elon-blood/)

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    [Pale Trump Boys Ask When They Can Stop Giving Uncle Elon Blood](https://theonion.com/pale-trump-boys-ask-when-they-can-stop-giving-uncle-elon-blood/)

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    WASHINGTON—Slumping back in their chairs and whining at the sight of intravenous lines in their bruised arms, a pale Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly asked their Uncle Elon on Friday when…

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*   [Lockheed Martin Develops Giant Tactical Rubber Spider](https://theonion.com/lockheed-martin-develops-giant-tactical-rubber-spider/)

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*   [Scientists Confirm Shingleback Lizards Only Reptiles That Mate For Sake Of Aging Mothers](https://theonion.com/scientists-confirm-shingleback-lizards-only-reptiles-that-mate-for-sake-of-aging-mothers/)

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*   [Numerous Teams Express Interest In Aaron Rodgers Playing Elsewhere](https://theonion.com/numerous-teams-express-interest-in-aaron-rodgers-playing-elsewhere/)

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*   [](https://theonion.com/how-canadians-are-fighting-back-against-u-s-tariffs/)

    ### [How Canadians Are Fighting Back Against U.S. Tariffs](https://theonion.com/how-canadians-are-fighting-back-against-u-s-tariffs/)

*   [](https://theonion.com/march-madness-by-the-numbers/)

    ### [March Madness By The Numbers](https://theonion.com/march-madness-by-the-numbers/)

*   [](https://theonion.com/trumps-north-american-tariffs-myth-vs-fact/)

    ### [Trump’s North American Tariffs: Myth Vs. Fact](https://theonion.com/trumps-north-american-tariffs-myth-vs-fact/)

*   [](https://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-noaa/)

    ### [What To Know About NOAA](https://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-noaa/)

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*   [](https://theonion.com/chuck-schumer-helps-pull-democrats-back-from-brink-of-courage/)

    [Politics](https://theonion.com/politics/)

    [Chuck Schumer Helps Pull Democrats Back From Brink Of Courage](https://theonion.com/chuck-schumer-helps-pull-democrats-back-from-brink-of-courage/)

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*   [](https://theonion.com/report-more-americans-moving-away-from-urban-areas-for-rural-life-where-they-have-escalating-feud-with-beaver/)

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*   [](https://theonion.com/chuck-schumer-helps-pull-democrats-back-from-brink-of-courage/)

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    [Chuck Schumer Helps Pull Democrats Back From Brink Of Courage](https://theonion.com/chuck-schumer-helps-pull-democrats-back-from-brink-of-courage/)

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*   [](https://theonion.com/report-more-americans-moving-away-from-urban-areas-for-rural-life-where-they-have-escalating-feud-with-beaver/)

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In Other News

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*   [](https://theonion.com/house-democrats-vow-to-hold-president-accountable-with-1838020720/)

    [Politics](https://theonion.com/politics/)

    [House Democrats Vow To Hold President Accountable With Agriculture Bill Where First Letter Of Every Line Spells Out ‘Impeach Trump’](https://theonion.com/house-democrats-vow-to-hold-president-accountable-with-1838020720/)

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*   [](https://theonion.com/brutality-desensitization-process-nearly-complete-1819565152/)

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    ### [Brutality-Desensitization Process Nearly Complete](https://theonion.com/brutality-desensitization-process-nearly-complete-1819565152/)

*   [](https://theonion.com/eric-adams-appoints-deputy-patsy-for-all-future-corrupt-1848348850/)

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News

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*   [](https://theonion.com/report-more-americans-moving-away-from-urban-areas-for-rural-life-where-they-have-escalating-feud-with-beaver/)

    [News](https://theonion.com/news/)

    [Report: More Americans Moving Away From Urban Areas For Rural Life Where They Have Escalating Feud With Beaver](https://theonion.com/report-more-americans-moving-away-from-urban-areas-for-rural-life-where-they-have-escalating-feud-with-beaver/)

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*   [News](https://theonion.com/news/)

    ### [Pale Trump Boys Ask When They Can Stop Giving Uncle Elon Blood](https://theonion.com/pale-trump-boys-ask-when-they-can-stop-giving-uncle-elon-blood/)

*   [News](https://theonion.com/news/)

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    ### [Trump Announces New Visa Tier For Immigrants Who Will Be Friends With Barron](https://theonion.com/trump-announces-new-visa-tier-for-immigrants-who-will-be-friends-with-barron/)

*   [](https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-claims-measles-can-be-cured-with-a-good-concealer/)

    [News](https://theonion.com/news/)

    [RFK Jr. Claims Measles Can Be Cured With A Good Concealer](https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-claims-measles-can-be-cured-with-a-good-concealer/)

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### [Immigrant Criticizes Swimsuit Competition Portion Of U.S. Citizenship Test](https://theonion.com/immigrant-criticizes-swimsuit-competition-portion-of-u-s-citizenship-test/)

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*   [](https://theonion.com/bachelorette-party-provides-friends-valuable-time-to-get-high-with-brides-cousin/)

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*   [](https://theonion.com/only-good-looking-person-in-office-mingles-with-hideous-coworkers-like-missionary-among-lepers/)

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*   [](https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-vows-to-make-measles-deaths-so-common-they-wont-be-upsetting-anymore/)

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    [RFK Jr. Vows To Make Measles Deaths So Common They Won’t Be Upsetting Anymore](https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-vows-to-make-measles-deaths-so-common-they-wont-be-upsetting-anymore/)

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*   [Politics](https://theonion.com/politics/)

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*   [](https://theonion.com/chuck-schumer-helps-pull-democrats-back-from-brink-of-courage/)

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Entertainment

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*   [](https://theonion.com/taylor-swift-spends-evening-editing-spreadsheet-ranking-all-her-friendships/)

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*   [](https://theonion.com/march-madness-by-the-numbers/)

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*   [](https://theonion.com/homesick-luka-doncic-gazes-longingly-at-photo-of-barren-dallas-office-park/)

    ### [Homesick Luka Doncic Gazes Longingly At Photo Of Barren Dallas Office Park](https://theonion.com/homesick-luka-doncic-gazes-longingly-at-photo-of-barren-dallas-office-park/)

*   [](https://theonion.com/washington-wizards-reminded-that-bottled-water-in-hotel-room-isnt-free/)

    ### [Washington Wizards Reminded That Bottled Water In Hotel Room Isn’t Free](https://theonion.com/washington-wizards-reminded-that-bottled-water-in-hotel-room-isnt-free/)

*   [](https://theonion.com/numerous-teams-express-interest-in-aaron-rodgers-playing-elsewhere/)

    ### [Numerous Teams Express Interest In Aaron Rodgers Playing Elsewhere](https://theonion.com/numerous-teams-express-interest-in-aaron-rodgers-playing-elsewhere/)

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Trending News

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*   [](https://theonion.com/pills-can-we-get-some-were-really-hurting-right-now/)

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*   [](https://theonion.com/lockheed-martin-develops-giant-tactical-rubber-spider/)

    ### [Lockheed Martin Develops Giant Tactical Rubber Spider](https://theonion.com/lockheed-martin-develops-giant-tactical-rubber-spider/)

*   [](https://theonion.com/scientists-confirm-shingleback-lizards-only-reptiles-that-mate-for-sake-of-aging-mothers/)

    ### [Scientists Confirm Shingleback Lizards Only Reptiles That Mate For Sake Of Aging Mothers](https://theonion.com/scientists-confirm-shingleback-lizards-only-reptiles-that-mate-for-sake-of-aging-mothers/)

*   [](https://theonion.com/forgetful-man-playing-fast-and-loose-with-free-trials/)

    ### [Forgetful Man Playing Fast And Loose With Free Trials](https://theonion.com/forgetful-man-playing-fast-and-loose-with-free-trials/)

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Opinion

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*   [](https://theonion.com/fried-days-and-nights/)

    ### [Fried Days (and Nights)](https://theonion.com/fried-days-and-nights/)

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*   [American Voices](https://theonion.com/opinion/american-voices/)

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